How do I give in to a good relationship even though my insecurities are trying to prevent me from being happy?


General, Romantic Relationships / Monday, April 2nd, 2018
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Hey, Alana!

I’ve recently started a relationship with a person that makes me so incredibly happy. They are unlike any person I’ve dated before. I feel I can be my true self around them, and they are truly my best friend and greatest treasure.

The problem is, I’ve struggled with deep-rooted insecurities and mental health issues for a while. And, while I’m fully aware (and they are fully aware) that I’m pursuing a path to get better, my insecurities still get in the way of our relationship sometimes (which I actively try to prevent). They promise that they see past my insecurities and love me unconditionally, and I believe them.

So I suppose my question is, how do you fully give in to a good relationship even though your insecurities are trying to prevent you from being happy?


Hey There!

Thank you for sharing your heart through this question. It’s not easy to admit that you struggle with deep-rooted insecurities. Good news: you’ve already taken the first step by identifying the challenge you are facing and seeking help to overcome it.

Insecurities creep up on all of us at some point in our lives. I dealt with intense insecurities during the first few years of my relationship with my boyfriend. Here are three tips that helped me overcome insecurities in my relationship:

1. Observe the insecurities when they arise.

Do you ever notice that no matter how hard you try to suppress your insecurities, they still end up preventing you from falling into complete happiness? This is because actively trying to avoid thinking about something only causes you to think about it more.

Rather than trying to squash your insecurities, I encourage you to observe them. Here’s an example:

· Insecurity: “You will never be good enough for this person.”
· You: “Okay. That’s just a thought. Is it actually true that I will never be good enough?”

I can guarantee that the answer is no. It will always be no. Most of the time, our insecurities are not rooted in any kind of reality. Those nasty thoughts lose their power when you realize that they don’t hold any truth. They’re just thoughts. You’re not trying to fix or solve them, either. You just need to let them be and then move on with your day.

2. Find your identity outside of your relationship.

It’s so beautiful that you’ve entered into a relationship where you are genuinely accepted and loved – there is no better feeling! With that said, it’s a good idea to explore who you are outside of your relationship.

Insecurities grow stronger when we rely on our significant other to be our primary source of happiness. It sounds romantic to be completely wrapped up in someone and have them be the reason you exist in the world. But, in reality, all that does it put pressure on the relationship and your partner. You will feel less insecure within the relationship if you are confident in who you are outside of the relationship.

To build a strong identity, you might find some new hobbies or activities that you like to do on your own. Stay in touch with your family. Make time to hang out with your friends. If you believe in God, strengthen your relationship with Him, and remember who He says you are. Don’t let go of these things to give yourself over to your relationship entirely. If your value is based on your partner’s existence, you will constantly fear that they might leave you, causing you to feel insecure. Instead, it’s a good idea to develop a strong identity outside of your relationship that will allow you to feel confident in who you are with or without your partner.

3. Find an outlet.

I am a firm advocate for expressing feelings. Rarely do things go well for those who continuously bottle up their emotions. Therefore, I encourage you to find an outlet where you can share your insecurities. It will help you release your feelings so you can relax into your relationship.

Try to find someone or something to process your insecurities with other than your partner. It sounds like you two have talked about your feelings before, and your partner has told you that they love you no matter what. At this point, it’s time to trust what they’ve said and accept it as truth.

With that said, insecurities can still find a way to creep up on you. If they do, it’s a good idea to have a way to set them free. This might mean talking to a close friend, counselor, or anyone who you feel you can be comfortable and open with.

I also recommend journaling as an outlet for feelings of any kind. Insecurities are great to journal about since some of them can be so strange and awkward to share with other people.


You are exactly where you need to be right now, my friend. You coming to me and opening up about your struggles is just the beginning of this wonderful journey. Work with three tips above and see how they work for you. No matter what, you are beautifully capable of finding peace with yourself and your relationship.

You can do it.

Alana


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