So I have recently got out of a relationship of almost 3 years with a boy who continuously cheated on me and made me feel worthless. I am trying to move on and be happy again and love myself, but it is so hard because I feel angry all the time. How can I get the anger and hatred out of my life?
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Moving on after a breakup is always challenging.
It sounds like you’re hanging on to a lot of bitterness and anger that is preventing you from moving on with your life, which is entirely understandable.
Here are three tips to help you move forward:
Forgiveness is probably the last thing on your mind right now, but I promise you that it’s the most important step to take if you’re going to move on.
I know the fact that your ex continuously cheated on you hurts. I know that you probably hate him for doing it. You probably also feel like you somehow weren’t enough, which is what made him go after someone else. But, if you remember anything from this post, know that your ex cheating on you had nothing to do with you. His choice to cheat had everything to do with him. It doesn’t matter why or how or who – what matters is that you understand that his decisions and that relationship do not define you. Once you begin to believe this, it will be easier to forgive your ex for making those choices.
There’s a saying that says, “Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Stop drinking poison. Forgive him. Forgive yourself. That is the only way you will begin to move on.
2. Find Yourself
Long-term relationships begin to mold who we are as time goes on. Your routines, your activities, even your mannerisms start to fuse with the other person’s. It’s easy to lose sight of who you are after being in a relationship for so many years – especially if it was an exhausting one that took a lot of your emotional energy.
But, here’s the beautiful thing: once you forgive your ex for hurting you, you will have new space and energy available to serve and discover yourself.
Being with someone who didn’t value you likely damaged your sense of identity. Therefore, I encourage you to give yourself space to heal from that relationship. Spend time alone. It’s easy to give in to the temptation to jump into a new relationship for comfort, but try to keep your focus on you for a while. If you believe in God, maybe you begin to grow closer to him and discover who it is that He says you are.
The key here is to discover who you are and who you want to become outside of your past relationship. Once you do, you’ll open the doors to happiness and figure out how to truly love yourself.
3. Figure Out What You Want Next
Pursuing forgiveness and strong self-identity may put you in a place where you feel ready to move on to a new relationship. With that said, don’t rush steps #1 and #2 just so you can get to #3. Give yourself however long it takes to feel like you’re ready. Forgiveness might take six weeks whereas finding yourself might take a whole year. The timing doesn’t exactly matter, the important thing is that each step is fully formed before you move on.
So, when you forgive your ex and figure out who you are, you can start looking towards what you want next. Once, I heard a pastor say that you should cultivate the qualities that you would like to see in your partner in yourself. I encourage you to do that. Maybe you write out what you’re looking for in a man and work on developing those qualities in your own life. For example, if you want someone who is generous and loves his family, you could begin to build up those qualities for yourself. Remember: we attract the same energy that we give out.